A man dies and goes to heaven.
St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works.
You need 100 points to make it into heaven.
You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.
When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, and loved her deep in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points!"
"Only two points?" the man says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and service."
"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and also worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," St.Peter says.
"Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate, the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."
'Bingo! 100 points ! Come on in!'
A painter was hired to paint the exterior of a church.
His practice was to thin the paint so that he could make a larger profit.
As he was painting the church a torrential rain began to fall and it washed all of the paint off.
Then, as quickly as the rain began, it ended, and the sun came out.
As the painter gazed skyward, he heard a voice from above saying:
" Repaint ! Go, and thin no more."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
An elderly woman died last month and having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, so I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works.
You need 100 points to make it into heaven.
You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.
When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, and loved her deep in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points!"
"Only two points?" the man says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and service."
"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and also worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," St.Peter says.
"Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate, the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."
'Bingo! 100 points ! Come on in!'
A painter was hired to paint the exterior of a church.
His practice was to thin the paint so that he could make a larger profit.
As he was painting the church a torrential rain began to fall and it washed all of the paint off.
Then, as quickly as the rain began, it ended, and the sun came out.
As the painter gazed skyward, he heard a voice from above saying:
" Repaint ! Go, and thin no more."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
An elderly woman died last month and having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, so I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
